No. Whatever. *sigh* Ok.

I’m not really into the whole “surrender” thing. It’s a hard sell. I want my way. I want it now. And I not only want the end result to be my way, but I want it done my way as well.

I’m more of a fighter than a lover. Although my initial reaction to a situation is sometimes to run away, it quickly turns to a “fight till the death” reaction. The whole “willingly give up” concept has no appeal to me.

I like to be in control of my surroundings. I feel like I need to be in control of my surroundings for everything to happen and for me to be ok.

Reality: I don’t need to be in control. I’m not in control. The different seasons - they just come and go. And God decided long ago when they would do so. I have nothing to do with it continuing. The world will continue to turn without my approval to do so. I'm not in charge of everything. Funny, huh?

My Fear: My fear in surrendering is that I’ll have to give up all my dreams. I’ve worked really hard at what I love. Writing. Photographer. Guitar. I fear that if I surrender my dreams to God, that those things I love and have devoted much of my time and effort to will be taken away. These three things I’m passionate about reflect who I am. I wouldn't be the same person if writing, photography, and music were taken out of my life. I’m afraid that if I give my dreams to God, that I won’t be able to dream again.

Reality: I don’t know what my life has in store for me, but I do know that it will all work out. God wrote my story and is in control. I don’t need to be in control of the future. I can’t be in control of the future. His plan will be the best for me. He knows me and loves me. He has my best interest in mind and will prepare me for whatever my future in Him holds. It was Him who gave me these talents and passions to use as worship.

My Fear: If I relinquish my plans to God, I won’t be in control. The whole “unknown” thing makes me nervous.

Reality: Endless amounts of fear can be paralyzing. Especially since I don’t know what I’m scared of. It's foolish to fear imaginary things.

My Fear: I'm worried that I won't be strong enough, smart enough, or brave enough to do what God wants me to do.

Reality: God is my Strength and my Shield. He will be with me and provide for me. Always.

My Prayer: My prayer is that God would quiet my heart and slow me down. I don’t want to miss the excitement and joy in my surroundings because I’m too busy trying to control the world. I want to enjoy life rather then spend my time battling the anxiety that comes with attempting to control everything. I also want to be content being “in-process”, especially since I’m going to be learning my entire life. My prayer is also that I would be fully surrendered to God - that I would follow Him without fighting every step of the way.

I need to surrender my:

• Time
• Relationships
• Schedule
• Future
• Plans
• Dreams
• Lies
• Pain
• Vengeance
• Anxiety
• Fear
• Anger

And I’m learning that in surrender there is:

• Freedom
• Forgiveness
• Joy
• Healing
• Peace
• Rest
• Life
• Strength
• Truth

Surrender.

I’m working on it. I’m trying. I’m being sanctified.

*gag*

Let’s do this!

Surrender.

It’s not so pretty once you get inside my head. It’s kind of a mess, actually. And a pathetic one, at that. So thank you, to my handful of wonderful life-processing people, for doing some messy digging and tough loving.