I threw my Bible and journal down at the foot of my bed before throwing myself down next to them. I woke up a few hours later with a clearer realization of how the next few weeks were going to play out: a lot of sleep and little concentration or accomplishment.
It's not often that I find myself at a loss for words, either written or spoken. When verbal communication fails, written almost undoubtedly will always pull through. I can write for hours to tease out ideas, thoughts, and feelings... However, finding out that I had mono four weeks into my third year of college rendered me silent. Mononucleosis can take over ten weeks to recover from; ten weeks puts me at the end of this semester. That’s a lot of time spent in my dorm room asleep. A lot of time I was planning on using for classes, studying, my little sister from Cabrini, planning BroSis events, Ministry Team, working, playing guitar, late at night phone calls, time with friends…just being a college student.
There have been so many times in the past month when I couldn’t find the words to describe what I was thinking or feeling. I’ve been overwhelmed with decisions, filled with joy to the point where I could only smile, speechless from anger or confusion, or so exhausted I couldn’t seem to form a coherent sentence. (Some of my ‘non-coherent’ sentences have been fairly entertaining though…)
The one thing that has consistently left me speechless these weeks, and I guess my entire life, is God’s faithfulness through everything. I don’t know why what’s going on is going on, but I do know that can’t go through it on my own. And I don’t have to. Sometimes I just need to be quiet and remember that.
Stay With Me
Hope is getting through this night
And life is not dying in this fight
Begging You to deliver me
Confused why You won’t take this pain from me
My steps never felt so hard
The end never looked so far
But if You won’t take me out, then please take me through this
Stay with me so I won’t leave
And make me see that this is not forever
Cause all I need is Your love pulling me through
What is the reason for this night?
Is hope found in moments with no light?
Does strength grow in our greatest fears?
God I pray something good will come from this pain
With You here I know I don’t go alone
I am Yours and so through the fire I go
I feel like I’m being told to, “Be still and silent during this trial. Rest. Take this opportunity to draw closer to Me. The sickness won’t last forever. You’re My daughter and you’ll be just fine.”