I haven’t felt like writing in a few months, but tonight I was motivated to and this is what came out...it’s more of a list of scattered thoughts that all relate to the same thing rather than a nicely pulled together note. But, it's my blog, and I'm in charge :)
When I asked God to make Himself real to me, I wasn’t asking for a downpour of trials. But that’s what I got. And it worked. God made himself real to me.
It’s been a few months of sifting through emotions and seeking out truth. Many weeks of long conversations, endless journal entries, tons of questions, lots of crying, doubting things I’ve grown up knowing, finding new ways to describe old feelings, dumping the contents of my heart and mind to a few people, going to people older than me for advice, long runs, and more time playing guitar than I have in a long time. And where am I now? Well, I’m here. Lessons trudged through and learned. Going back and relearning lessons as well. A few relationships strengthened. Made a little more vulnerable. Being emptied out to be filled with something greater.
The month of seemingly endless trials finally ended, but the clean up and rebuilding had to begin. Broken, tired, and confused are the words that come to mind.
There are 3 conversations with people that stuck out to me during these months...
1. I talked to one of my professors about trials...Bobby suggested sorting through everything by dumping it all out. Or, as he put it, “puking it all out”. Throwing up everything helped me distinguish emotions and feelings into a rational pile and an irrational one. Having someone give me practical advice in the midst of it all helped me to keep moving forward instead of getting stuck in the mess or just running away from it all. It was a comfort knowing that I had a professor who was cool talking about stuff completely unrelated to classroom curriculum.
2. Robert got the “play-by-play” on everything as it was thrown at me...although over 2,000 miles away, having a listening ear, a friendly voice, and someone who knew me was encouraging and really helpful. Also, since he knows me fairly well (much better now, ha ha), he was instrumental in differentiating the inundation of doubts and emotions that I had. His gentle reminder that God was sovereign and saw what was happening continually refocused my eyes on God.
3. The semester ended and I came home to California for the summer. Within a few days of being home, I talked with Danny about the whole thing. Talking with Danny is a normal occurrence and I’m pretty sure many of the strangest yet most meaningful conversations I’ve had have happened with him. This particular conversation wasn’t long or in-depth, but it was exactly what it needed to be. I think it started with my typical “oh my goodness, Danny...” and ended with a prayer and a hug. Having someone to share my story of God’s faithfulness with made me realize what I had gone through, how wonderful God was in bringing me through it to learn so much, and that I was still in the process of healing and rebuilding.
Here’s a few of the things I learned (or relearned)...
Citizenship - heaven is my home; the earth is just where I’m hanging out for a little while
Priorities - who and what takes up my time needs to be honoring God since I’m living for Him
Documentation - writing things down for the purpose of looking back and seeing God’s hand in situations and to share them as encouragement to other people
Rest - sleep has to happen
I’m on the other side of this set of trials. And I can’t say that I’m looking forward to the next ones, but I’m ready. Well, more ready than I was a few months ago at least... I also know that I’m still rebuilding and figuring it all out.