Freedom that Friday

Good Friday 2008. I remember it in detail.

That particular Friday started out like any normal Friday, but ended unlike any other day I had experienced.

Earlier that day I had spent time with Trina and told Kendra about my indecisiveness in going to the service at church that evening. Trina is the darling girl that I nanny and Danny and Kendra are her parents. At this point, I had been with them for about a year and they quickly became like family to me. I was comfortable around them and often went to them for advice. We decided that I would go to the service and, although I was fully capable of driving myself, Kendra and Trina were going to pick me up. And Danny had gone over earlier because he was part of the service.

Kendra and I sat in the back right side of the solemn and still room. The stage of the sanctuary was dark with just a few dim lights illuminating Pastor Pedigo as he gave the sermon. After sitting through the sermon fairly emotionless and uninterested, the closing songs didn’t seem important. I just wanted to leave. We sang the song Nothing but the Blood and the words “what can make me whole again” caught my attention. Good question. I was sitting through this service angry and bitter at God and myself. The next line brought the sweet and well-known answer: “nothing but the blood of Jesus”.

Until this point, I hadn’t seen God as a healing God before - always a judging one. I grew up at Cedar Grove Community Church and had heard the story of Christ’s sacrifice too many times to count. How had I missed the part where He’s loving, merciful, and compassionate?

The song eventually ended and I sunk down in the pew and cried. Kendra sat with me until I was ready to leave. The last thing I wanted to do was actually process what was going on inside me. My plan was to go home and sleep, but God had different plans. Danny drove me home, since I didn’t have my car.

I climbed in Danny’s truck, as I had done numerous times before, but this time I sat silent and motionless.

“What’s going on?” was his first question of many after a few long moments of daunting silence.

“Um, nothing much,” was my evidently false response.

I eventually dumped my heart out with a lot more tears on the short drive to my house. We ended up sitting in his truck for a while longer and talked about what was going on. Without coming to any resolution, I decided that I was done talking. Before leaving, Danny asked if I wanted to pray. I looked up at him and shook my head no. So he prayed.

After giving him a hug, I climbed out of the truck and went inside. I bypassed my family and went straight to my room and quietly shut the door. Danny had prayed and now it was my turn.

“God, I don’t know if You can hear me, but I’m broken, hurting, and empty and I know You’re the only thing that can make me whole.”

And that was the first of my many “God, I need you!” prayers.

After praying, I curled up on my bed and just listened. I wanted to hear God speak like He had spoken to the prophets. Although an audible voice never came, I felt His presence. Peace and joy were two feelings I hadn’t felt in a long time, but I felt them that evening. About an hour later I pulled my worn yet dusty Bible and started looking for underlined verses. I flipped through the pages and was eager to relearn all the stuff that was incessantly drilled into my head growing up.

I learned a lot that evening.

Ephesians 1:4 - I’m chosen to by holy and blameless.

2 Peter 1:4 - I have been given great and precious promises.

Colossians 2:10 - I am made complete by Christ.

Psalm 32:7 - I am hidden with and protected by Christ.

1 Corinthians 11:32 - I will not be condemned with the world.

Hebrews 4:16 - I can bravely come before the throne of grace.

Hebrews 6:19 - I have a hope that is secure and steadfast.

The last verse I read late that Friday night was an all inclusive conclusion.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. -Romans 15:13