The Medicine Cabinet

(written a few summers ago...)

The temptation almost becomes more than she can handle. How easily she could take a handful of random pills and end her life. And, after a day of endless challenges and trials, it seems like the only positive solution. More bad news might just push her over her ever-stretching undefined edge. It’s late at night but she just got home from a friend’s house. The rest of her family is asleep; the house is still. Standing in front of the medicine cabinet, she opens it slowly. All she wants is Tylenol for her headache and some much needed sleep. Staring at the cabinet full of medicine bottles, unhealthy thoughts of suicide are racing through her mind, but she manages to think clearly one more time. Suicide will only help her, but what about her family and friends? Pain and misguided feelings of guilt for them, and she knows firsthand how painful and unfair that is. Eyes shut tight to hold back the never ending supply of tears, she quietly shuts the door and turns around. No, drugs won’t help tonight.

Having a friend attempt suicide sucks. I’m not really sure how else to describe it. Feelings of anger and sorrow intermixed with random surges of guilt are soon followed by exhaustion. A handful of meltdowns are inevitable. The cycle repeats over and over until it finally yet gradually fades away. How could someone be so hopeless? All the unanswered questions seemed to be floating around in midair just waiting to be bumped into. And in the end, no matter how you look at the situation or try to reason it out, it simply doesn’t add up.

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, in 2007 (last available data) it is reported that 34,598 people died from suicide. One person takes their life approximately every fifteen minutes in the United States and an attempt is estimated to be made once every minute. Out of the people who survive a suicide attempt, many of them damage their body permanently. A drug overdose can lead to damaged organs, suffocation and drowning can lead to lack of oxygen flow to the brain causing brain damage, and the use of a firearm can also lead to brain damage and horrific scarring. Suicide rates have been rising in the United States in the past 40 years. Why the increase of suicide? Why the decrease in hope? Again with the frustrating unanswered questions.

When my friend tried to end her life, many of my other friends were really supportive of what I was going through. Having a close friend get a few inches away from my face and ask how I was doing was a defining moment in this whole ordeal for me. She climbed into the passenger seat of my car and I took off my sunglasses. As if seeing my smeared eye makeup wasn’t enough, she wanted to verbally hear what was going on. “I don’t get it,” were the only words that came out. Instead of giving the all too common answer of, “Wow, I don’t know what to say,” she wrapped her arms around me and cried with me. Although advice or an encouraging word would have helped, a simple hug meant so much more. In the Bible we’re told not only to rejoice with each other, but to grieve together as well. Community is a key step in the healing process; it is important to replace secrets and shame with honesty and trust.

Unlike many suicide stories, this one has a happy ending. My friend is alive with no serious harm done. Her cry for help was acknowledged and she went through counseling to deal with past hurt and to find closure with it. At first she found counseling annoying and a waste of time, but after a few sessions she quickly learned to love it. It was a challenge for her to think back on past injuries and bring them to surface, but with God’s strength, she did it. And eventually the initial injuries won’t remain, just scars to remind her of God’s faithfulness in carrying her through it all. The verses that encouraged her was Psalm 147:3-5.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name. Great is our LORD and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.”

Being the friend on the other side of the attempted suicide, I quickly learned that running on emotion and adrenaline only lasts so long. All the crying, unanswered questions, and doubts that arose were challenging for me. The verses that were continually coming to mind that few weeks were out of Isaiah 40.

“See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power, and his arm rules for him (verse10). “He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart,” (verse 11). “Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these things? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing,” (verse 26). “But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint,” (verse 31).

The long few days after the suicide attempt finally came to an end. She was out of the hospital, physically well, and emotionally stable. My heart was hurting, but being held and protected by my Savior. Continually turning to God and refocusing on Him made the hellish situation survivable. I spent most of that day with the same friends I had been with since the night she tried to kill herself four days earlier. On my way out the door, I stopped and asked if we could pray once more together before I left. A few more tears, lots of encouraging words, and most of all, the reminder of God’s sovereignty was the positive conclusion to that dreadful nightmare.