And then I Wish...

I remember hearing the phone ring.

I remember the tone of my mom’s voice.

I remember quickly getting dressed.

I remember grabbing my cell phone.

I remember getting scolded for taking too long.

I remember the impatience in everyone’s voices.

I remember sitting at the foot of his bed crying.

I remember being told to be joyful in this horrible circumstance.

And then I remember getting upset.

I was sad because my uncle had just died, but I went from feeling sorrow to bitterness in a few seconds. It felt worse than a slap in the face. Someone close to me had just died tragically, and an hour later I was supposed to be joyful. I was in a lot of pain, but was supposed to be smiling and cheerful! As if...yeah right.

I remember the first hug I got after the ordeal being hours later.

I remember the first comforting words being hours later, as well.

I remember the anger slowly subsiding, but not fully leaving.

And then I got on an airplane and went back to school.

Still in shock of what had just happened, I went about my normal routine of classes, working, homework, outreach, and ministry team.

I remember pretending nothing had happened.

I remember thinking that I was just fine.

I remember the lingering anger that would randomly show up.

And it just hit me, 6 months later. My uncle is dead and my response was bitterness, resentment, and anger. My grieving stopped at feeling angry, then I let the whole thing go without a second though.

I wish I could go back and do those few painful days differently.

I wish I would have allowed people to comfort me.

I wish I was better at distinguishing emotions.

I wish...