Princess? Always. World Dictator? No.

As I was driving home from church one evening earlier this week, a thought just kind of hit me. It was a thought that had been forming for the previous week. It was a thought that I had half-heartedly shared with Robert and Alicia. It was a good and happy thought. It was encouraging and enlightening. It was different, a little scary, and wonderful all blended into one.

So I guess now would be the time to let you in on my thought...

I’m not in control. And I’m totally fine.

Can we just let that sink in for a few moments? (Or hours depending on how well you know me.)

I’m not in control of the world and I’m okay with that. It’s been in the past few weeks that I’ve actually been able to let go of that need to be in control. Up until this point, I've tried so hard to but couldn't. I was fighting to not be in control, which put me in control of not being in control. And I don’t think there was a specific moment when I let go. It just happened without me really noticing.

The battle of control has been something I’ve struggled with for, well, I’m assuming most of my life. But it had been especially present the past 3 years. The anxiety that came with trying to control the world has also diminished.

It’s a very freeing feeling. I feel like I’ve reached a goal that’s been dangling before me for quite some time.

It’s a thought that needs a little more processing, so I’m sure I’ll write more about this eventually. I just had to share a little now. :)

Think Happy Thoughts - Part 4

16. My Worship Team. Over the past four years I've had the beautiful opportunity to lead worship and to grow close to a talented and passionate group of musicians. And, don't tell the rest of the band, but Rusty just happens to be my favorite. :)



17. Guitars. I have two of them. One Takamine and one Ibanez.



18. Time. I was recently told that my love language was quality time. Hmmm...I don't believe it to be true all the time. But I do know that I've been craving time with people this summer. Last Sunday evening Robert spent time with Viola and I. He brought me dinner and fed Vi so I could eat. She eventually went back to sleep and Robert and I spent some much needed time together.



19. Photography. I'll post more about this photography project later. It was very sparkly, creative, and just girly. And I enjoyed it thoroughly!


20. Books. So many books to read, and a lifetime to do so. I like books. A lot. I like the way they look on my bookshelf. And the way they look while they're in a pile on the floor.

Being Still.

“I just want to be still this morning. I don’t want to be on a stage with microphones, instruments, and people watching.”

That was my Sunday morning pre-worship leading tweet.

I wonder if individuals from Hillsong United ever feel that way. It was a new and a very conflicted feeling for me. I love leading worship, but yesterday I just wanted it to be God and me. Without the stage, without the lights, and without the sound system. But mainly without the congregation. Just God and me.

I wanted stillness. I wanted to get through the brokenness I was feeling alone without a curious audience. I wanted the healing to come quietly and gently in solitude.

But it didn't. It started from leading a large and familiar group of people in worship. I wanted stillness and solitude. And that's what I got. Not how I thought I needed it, but in exactly how it needed to happen. I was where God wanted me to be. And I was eventually open to His tender healing through the words in the music, prayer, and Scripture in the service.

The sermon yesterday morning was from Psalm 46.

Psalm 46:1-11

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

8 Come and see what the LORD has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

I don’t remember much of the sermon other than the phrase “Be still, and know that I am God.”

Be still. Know that I am God.

Be still.

Remembering. Sorting. Tossing.

Remembering. Sorting. Tossing. That’s what I’m doing today. Today is my “go through my room” day. Not that it’s messy or needs to be cleaned, but I’m ready to sort through everything and get rid of the things I don’t need or use.

Unneeded papers, clothes that don’t fit, and lots of random...stuff. I don’t know what else to call it. It’s just a lot of stuff. Stuff that I don’t want or need. I’m not even sure where all this stuff came from! But, after 22 years in the same room, stuff accumulates.

I’ve lived in the same house and in the same room for my entire life. 22.5 years in this pretty purple room!

When I was in Livermore over spring break, after being here for about a week, the “ah, I’m home” feeling still hadn’t hit me. And it never did. Summer break has been the same way. Still waiting to feel like I’m home.

This is not my home anymore. Yes, I occasionally live here with my parents, but it’s not “home”.

This is not my home anymore.

There’s no anger, bitterness, or resentment within that statement. Just maybe a little sorrow.

There are people I feel at home with. Some of the girls at Moody feel like “home” to me. When I’m with Robert I feel like I’m “home”. Being with Danny, Kendra, Trina, and Viola is “home”. Time with Alicia feels like “home”. Home is not necessarily a place for me right now, but more of a feeling.

It’s been made evident to me in the past few years that Chicago is not my home, either. I will never feel completely at home somewhere other than with God.

This world is not my home. Heaven is my home. God is my eternal home.

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. -C.S. Lewis

PS. If you visit my family sometime, you should ask to stay in my room because it’s WAY cooler than my sister's! It’s a Princess Rockstar kind of a room. I'll post a few pictures once I'm done sorting and it's back to it's normal state of organization... :)

You lead worship? Then this is for YOU!

**disclaimer: This blog was inspired by Psych, a late night, lots of caffeine, and maybe a little frustration.

Have you ever practiced like this?

To have your congregation respond like this? (Just wait for the end of the clip.)

Because we have. A few different times.

You put in lots of time and effort to be torn apart. Blah...it's not fun.

Alicia and I have both taken classes on church music and conflict in church music so we’re writing this blog together! She's studying music at Azusa Pacific University and I'm studying Communications at Moody. We realize that we're just students with limited knowledge and experience, but we are studying and have had some experience. So here we go...

Though it would be nice, the Church is not exempt from the conflicts that come up in the world. And often a significant amount of these problems and criticisms are directed at the music department for an array of reasons. The music is too loud. Too quiet. Too new. Too old. Too planned. Too spontaneous. Too...anything.

Our encouragement for you if you find yourself in the middle of this conflict is to... NOT GIVE UP!! Remember that’s it’s God you’re serving. Now, we’re not saying that if you go to a traditional church that you should bring in electric guitars and drums with the excuse that God will be pleased! Remember your setting and the people you’re facilitating in their worship experience. But also know that you can’t please everyone. It's just not possibly in any area of life. Especially areas where there are so many different personal opinions and beliefs.

We thought we would reminisce for a few moments about a few of our favorite times on stage together...

Alicia: Alicia’s memorable worship leading moment was back in high school. We finished out our senior year in the youth group under not so favorable conditions. Our last Sunday leading for the youth group we ended the set with Blessed Be Your Name. This was a favorite song of the youth group and was a "go to" song. The bridge “You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, ‘Lord blessed be Your name’” stuck out to us that time. We were standing just a few feet apart but we looked at each other and repeated the chorus and bridge. It was a great reminder that all the challenges that we’d been through and all the hard work we put in to be prepared to lead was for a worthy cause. It wasn't in vain.

Andrea: I wrote about singing BarlowGirl’s Psalm 73 and how it impacted me. God used each duet Alicia and I sang to teach me a lesson, to reveal something about Himself to me, or to put words to what I was going through. Although I haven’t always enjoyed the songs we’ve sung, there’s always been a line or a phrase that caught my attention and made me think.

Together: We communicate in a variety of ways. (That's what happens when you've been best friends for like...forever.) On stage when we can’t exactly interrupt everything to have a conversation, it’s mainly through our eyes and body language that our messages to each other are transmitted. We've grown closer to each other through being in a leadership position together. We've learned a lot about working with other people as well as with each other. And all the communicating that has to happen when two people are working together.

It’s been such a wonderful experience for the two of us to lead worship together! Although we’ve both been through times of trials involving church music stuff, we both say that it’s been worth it. We wouldn’t trade any of our experiences, as miserable as a few of them were, for anything. On the flip side, most of our favorite memories at church were created while doing music related things together.

Keep Dreaming, Sweetheart.

I've had some outrageous dreams. I've wanted to be a train engineer. I've wanted to be a fashion designer. I've wanted to be a secret CIA agent. I've wanted to be a rockstar. I've wanted to be an astronaut. I've wanted to be a photographer. I've wanted to be a writer. I've wanted to be a news reporter. I've wanted to rule the word.

Funny, because all of these things are people or leadership oriented. I love people and I love being in charge. That’s just how it’s always been!

Before flying back to California for the summer, my mom and I took and afternoon and went to the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago. The first exhibit we walked through was a space one so we were off to a good start!

My mom and I wandered around the exhibit for about an hour and looked at many different pictures, flight simulators, model space shuttles, and model missiles. As I gazed at the row of shuttles, an older man that had been admiring the exhibit stopped next to me.

This talkative older gentleman informed me that he worked hard to get into NASA’s astronaut program but was disqualified for a few minor things near the end of the course. He told me that he had devoted his entire life to this dream and was so close to reaching it! But he didn’t. He never got to fly into outer space.

He asked what I was studying and my answer surprised him.

“Bible and Communications won’t get you into anything NASA’s doing,” was his response.

“I know. My dreams have changed.”

“Keep dreaming, sweetheart,” was the quiet comment that followed.

It was a bittersweet comment.

I’ll keep dreaming of being an astronaut, but I’ll keep dreaming new dreams, too.

Sometimes reality just sucks.

Not everyone will walk on the moon. Most people won’t. Only a very limited group of men and women will.

My dream of being an astronaut wasn’t exactly a reasonable one. However, I’m still working towards my dream of being a journalist. It’s a more reasonable dream and one I’m willing to fight for and work hard to achieve.

We're Noisy. Get Over It.

What do you get when a music major is best friends with a communications major? A lot of noise. No doubt.

Sunday morning at church this week was no exception. And neither was the week before...or the three weeks before that one, actually. If you thought we were loud without any help, just wait to see what happens when there are microphones, a piano, and a guitar in our hands. And any amount of caffeine. Watch out, world!

This morning was our last time on stage together until Christmas time. I know it's only 5 months away, but...well, it just seems like a long time.